The Lagos Side Chick S1E2

Osheyyy… I finally found a way out. Firstly I tried snooping out the rich boys on Instagram and that one didn’t work. When I am not a witch, how will I know which handle belongs to a rich man? Meeting a man online was definitely not working so I had to find him offline and definitely not on this dry mainland. God forbid. I would go to the Island, on a Friday night. I  can’t be searching for man on a Monday morning. Where I wan see am?

 My Analysis: Friday nights are the nights everyone comes out to play, to unwind after a stressful week. Spending Friday night on the mainland would be useless. The money is on the Island. A night at Quilox or Escape would help my ministry, because that’s where the big boys like to gather. If I got to any of the big clubs on the island alone, looking pretty and very sexy and manage to stay awake for most of the night, I would definitely catch a maga that would pay. It wasn’t my business if he had a woman or not, as far as he had eyes for me, the rest would be history.

So on a very good Wednesday night in August 2015, I boarded a bus from campus to Yaba. With just 2000 naira in my purse,  I went to find the sexiest outfit ever- what Nigerians call BDS- ‘Bend Down Select’. BDS because I couldn’t spend all my money on clothes and not have money to spend on Friday.

Friday finally came. I spent almost 2 hours untangling and straightening my Brazilian hair wig. Two more hours on make up, and I was ready to go. That night was my night. I was going to catch a huge shark by hook or by crook, whether as girlfriend abi mistress abi side chick, any one, I was ready to accept anything. I picked out my best shoes and gathered all the money I had- well I was going to get to VIP by myself, I mean powerful is sexy. Imagine it, a woman alone, without any trashy friends and obviously no man. Rich guys that hate drama would love that scenario right?

I requested an Uber and was on my way to the Island after waiting for the driver for ages. Those Uber drivers can be mad sometimes. Many thoughts were flying through my head while I was on my way. What if it’s a ritualist I now find? They will now rape me then butcher me and throw my pieces into the ocean. Olorun maje. I had to be positive, think about nice things, like how dreamy the man would be. Like dark chocolate, no no, Nutella- six feet, sexy torso, toned out abs, beautiful face, a stallion and definitely very rich. He would be perfect for me and I for him, since I was looking for just money and great sex, I was going to be the perfect side chick.

Small nap that I said let me just take on my way, I woke up around Ikate. The fear that gripped me was not from this world. I started begging the driver o, that I wasn’t ready to die. Before he will take me somewhere and kill me and people will say ‘She died searching for man’. The man started explaining and speaking grammar, that he didn’t know I was sleeping. As he didn’t know where exactly ‘around’ Lekki I was going, and I didn’t stop him, he thought I hadn’t gotten to my destination. I now processed what he said in my head. Na so fear turn to vex o. Me that is managing my money, I didn’t even buy dinner. Then this wizard from my village wants to collect everything from me. Lai lai. I told him to stop the car, that I wasn’t going again. The man didn’t even apologise. He just ended the trip and told me not to forget his 5 stars. I wanted to slap the stupidity out of his brain. After inconveniencing me, you’re still finding 5 stars. Oshisco plc. I paid him his money and he sped off.

Then it hit me, I was stranded in Lekki. Instead of me to tell the driver to turn back and go to Quilox, I was trying to save money for VIP. VIP that I hadn’t even seen with my eyes. It’s my brain I needed to slap stupidity out of. God now blessed my soul, my battery was dead. I was using my phone to do Snapchat before I slept. As I was just lamenting in my mind, something just caught my attention. Roasted corn. Even with all my problems, food was important. So I just walked towards the corn shed to feed my hunger. Just as I bent to select the corn of my choice, God buttered my bread.