The Culture Fit

While I was making my lemonade, you wouldn’t believe who came down the stairs. Yes, you guessed right, it was Demilade Akin-Cole, the idiot who had used and dumped me. He looked better than before, like party jollof that you just want to eat up. Instead of me to be angry at him, I was angry at myself because I wanted him more than ever. The worst part was that, he was in the company of another woman. I know I am a fine girl o, but as I saw this one, my self esteem dropped, she was beautiful and had a body to die for.

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I stood up, walked majestically to the bar and found a seat. I asked for their wine list so I could pick the one I could afford. At least let me be drinking something while I was waiting for my breakthrough. Different men passed by as I waited but not one approached me. Which kain bad luck be this? Abi them dey follow me from village?

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When I got back to the hostel, I started my whole slay process as usual. Found this low cut body hugging blouse and a size smaller denim jeans. Yes, you read size smaller. Size smaller because it will arrange and package all the bum bum very well so that at least if breasts no attract, nyash go attract.

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Lade came from behind and shook me out of my shock. ‘I thought you already left’ he said. His father replied him ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes dad. She came to see me. She’s an old friend’. Old friend bawo? This one didn’t want his father to know that he was carrying babe around Lagos when his fiancée was abroad. I just bid both of them farewell and went on my way. My Uber driver was kuku already carrying face and blabbing about how he almost cancelled the trip that I was wasting time.

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‘Babe, that’s the best lunch I’ve ever had’ Lade said. I laughed loud. He really did like it and I was fulfilled. My planning and strategizing wasn’t a waste. As we were talking about how great our sex was, his fiancée called. I just picked up my clothes and walked to the bathroom as it was kuku not my business.

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I woke up pretty late because I didn’t sleep early. I planned to get to Lade’s office around 2pm which is normally lunch hour in most offices. This way, most of his staff wouldn’t be in the office to hear me scream when he fucks the life out of me. I called my make up artist and told her to show up at 10am because knowing her, she’ll probably be an hour late but at least,

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‘It will not be well with all of you in this hostel’ I yelled… Someone had moved my weapon of war from my box. Dress that I just bought a few weeks before, I had not even worn it sef. I was keeping it for the perfect occasion. So me that didn’t rock it since, I don’t have sense abi? I was so sure it was someone in my room, because it wasn’t the first time someone was shifting my dress in that room. The first time I let it slide, but this one, lai lai.

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‘Hello Naya’, he said, with his strong British accent. The next thing I heard myself say was ‘Who’s this?’. I didn’t plan that lie o, but my smart subconscious always takes pre-eminence. Since the plan was to let Lade think I was not that into him, that was a very good response for him. Men like Lade tend to think that woman are impressed by them and what they represent, so when a woman isn’t smitten by them, they see her as a conquest and try to conquer her. Since I wanted to be Lade’s woman, I had to make it look like I wasn’t interested so that he would up his game and try to conquer me. Then I will enter formation like I want and uncle will think he won me over by himself. Am I a genius or what?

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God will punish Airtel and its owners. They were the ones that distracted me from my mission of no return and after that, it was as if the Holy Spirit descended on Lade. His erection had disappeared and he started acting like a fish out of water, explaining how we had just met and how he didn’t want to take advantage of me. Egba mi, who advantage help? Please take advantage of me abeg.

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In a few minutes, Lade bid his friends farewell and told them he was taking me home. They all gave him the ‘we know what you people are going to do’ look. Lade and I gave them the ‘we don’t understand you people’ look. I don’t know if Lade was faking his own o, but me I was faking my own. I knew where we were going and what we were going to do, na wetin I kuku dey plan. When we got downstairs, the same bouncers hailed him again and he gave them some more money. In my mind I was just like ‘this is a generous one. Martina, hold him tight’.

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